by Lisa Clodfelter
Can trust ever be restored after so many secrets and untruths? What counts as cheating anyway? Are webcam apps, online porn, or playing around on hookup apps but never actually engaging physically considered infidelity? What about chatting with an ex on social media or via flirty text?
I like the recent definition of cheating by Dr. Robert Weiss, Ph.D, LCSW, CSAT:
The breaking of trust that occurs when you deliberately keep intimate, meaningful secrets from your primary romantic partner.
This definition is important because it doesn’t focus on specific behaviors. Instead, it focuses on the betrayal and loss of trust in the relationship. If a relationship is to be repaired after infidelity, the most important factor is restoring trust. This ultimately means cheaters must come clean about not only what they have done in a general way (and with the help of an experienced counselor), but they must also become rigorously honest about all other aspects of their lives, both in the moment and on the go forward. Cheaters must learn to actively tell the truth and not just wait for the betrayed partner to suspect something and then ask about it; forcing the betrayed partner to become an investigator. It is important to know once infidelity occurs, if a partner catches you in a little white lie here, they’ll suspect a bigger lie there. If the cheater thinks there is something their partner might want to know, the sooner the cheater can share it the better. Nothing will be more damaging to the relationship after infidelity than covering up the truth from the betrayed partner – no matter how small the infraction. This is tough. Cheaters can feel they should get immediate forgiveness following rigorous honesty. Cheaters will often complain that even when they are being brutally honest, their partner still doesn’t believe them. What’s hard to understand from the perspective of the person who engaged in infidelity is that after months or even years of secrets, it’s nearly impossible for the betrayed partner to embrace their newfound honesty. Restoring trust requires ongoing effort and complete and total honesty about everything – including things like “I forgot to unload the dishwasher this morning.”