by Lisa Clodfelter, MA, LPC
This blog is about parental mindset.
So many of us have grown up in chaotic homes (parents with addiction, personality problems, complex PTSD, etc.). In the chaotic family culture, parents’ primary focus is on coping with their own misery. Getting through their day without being hassled by a partner, parent, boss, or bill collector, deferring blame to others, and working to deny their problems.
A lot of families exist with no one at the helm. Every man, woman, and child fend for themselves to survive until the next day. Children feel like burdens because they are often treated as such.
Growing up in this type of environment children become parentified and experience overwhelm from the neglect of raising themselves. Often, there is a lot of shame involved and kids are taught to cope instead of thrive. Children also become acutely aware of how other families run with less stress and seem to be families of intention.
In processing the trauma from our childhood, we must look at and dismantle the narratives abusive parents have given us. We also need to examine the responsibility one takes on when having children ourselves.
Parents should be focused on the child’s emotional safety, the child’s inner world, what they are modeling for their children and teaching them how to be in the world; not self-consumed and just focusing on getting through the day.
It is appropriate to hold parents accountable for their choices. It is appropriate to hold them accountable to basic standards. Holding them accountable is a big part of processing our family systems; but remember, accountability involves responsibility for choices not blame.
It can also be helpful to look for other families raising their children with intention. Look for parents who work on their mental health and their relationship for the benefit of their children. Notice parents who meet their children’s emotional needs. These parents are giving their children better chances of becoming adults who don’t have to struggle with their emotional well-being and mental health.
Of course, no one is perfect, but keep the word intention at the top of your mind when thinking about the task of parenting.
If you’d like to talk more about this subject, please schedule a time to talk to Lisa.